The Kinky Hitlduggery
by Skylair Hernandez
Summary: Set in World War 2. Skulduggery Pleasant is all flesh and blood and he is exploring his sexuality. Rated M for a reason... Adolf Hitler, slight hint of rape, launguage. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Here is that Valentine's day fic that I've been thinking about for weeks. Set during world war 2. Skulduggery is a man; flesh and blood during this fic. And he is exploring his sexuality… WARNING may contain nuts, limes, (rape maybe), bad language, Adolf Hitler and toasted cheese. I will continue if I get enough reviews… please enjoy!**

"Dude! If you survive that I'll give you all my money, my girl, Erskine's pubes and the clothes off Ghastly's back!" Anton Shudder grinned; his dirty face lighting up. "I plan to survive. And how are you going to get Erskine's pubes?" Shudder shrugged casually; people were staring. "A one way ticked to Majorca, ten tones of peanuts, three wale teeth, a razor and a lot of beer. When are you going to go?" Skulduggery shrugged and looked around. A bar that had thee musty chairs standing around it was off to his left, it was busier than he thought it would be. The war had made everybody lose their appetite for fun; except the dead men. "I'll go tonight; although I don't think gay is for me. But this could be an interesting story to tell in the future. I'd better go and get ready." Shudder nodded and Skulduggery walked out of the old casino, when he opened the doors gunshots could be heard in the street.

Skulduggery stood under the window, he carefully placed his rucksack on the ground next to him. His heart was thumping in his chest; threatening to burst free. A searchlight came close and he ducked into the bushes to avoid being found, it skimmed over him and moved on. Skulduggery breathed a sigh of relief. He used the air to propel himself upwards to the window; it wasn't locked _odd, you would think somebody who thought he was so superior would take precautions… _Skulduggery opened the window and it made a loud screech but a sleeping Hitler didn't wake. He climbed in the window and left it open just in case, he crept over the room and locked the door. Then he walked over to the man on the bed; he was sucking his thumb. _(sorry if I offend anyone in this by the way) _Skulduggery pulled his top over his head and pulled off his trousers; leaving him only in his boxers. Hitler stayed covered under the safety of his blankets, that was until skulduggery slowly eased them off.

He was shocked at what he seen.

"Holy shit."

Hitler slept naked.

"Well I never…"

And he had no pubes.

Skulduggery's jaw dropped. But he remembered his propose. Time to get back to business. He pulled his boxers off and let them fall to the floor. He had released his monster. Hard and ready.

Hitler woke up.

Hitler smiled.

"Lecker." He sat up and leaned towards Skulduggery who was too shocked to move. Hitler's mouth worked into a smile. "Wer ist diese Art Mann gibt mir das Vergnügen, mündliche?" Skulduggery didn't know much German but he knew enough; the rude words. Hitler's mouth latched onto his dick and Skulduggery screamed in terror. He jumped back. Vergewaltiger! Gauner! Übel! Unbekannte Gefahr! Helfen! rette mich!" Hitler yelled at the top of his voice.

Skulduggery decided that gay wasn't his thing.

He leaped out the window; abandoning his clothes. He picked up his rucksack full of personal belongings and ammo. Then he ran. He could hear dogs barking, men shouting, Hitler screaming, gunshots and vehicles starting. Spotlights trained on him and alarms sounded all over the camp. Half the German army chased Skulduggery. He made it to the fence where he had gotten under earlier that evening. He rolled under like James Bond, picked up his hat where he had placed it, put it on his head and ran again.

Soon his lungs were burning and his heart was thumping. They were catching up with him. Skulduggery was cold, he heard a gunshot and ran faster still. His muscles screamed in protest but he didn't even think about giving in.

He reached the old casino that had been a home to the Dead Men for the last few days. He lunged through the doors and Shudder stared. "Did you do it?"

"Hide… Me… Now!" He puffed and panted. Erskine led him to the attack and he hid in an old chest; it smelled like bananas. The German army stormed into the building a few seconds after Erskine returned to his seat. "Wo ist der nackte Mann?" Shudder frowned and the army started speaking really fast German.

They stormed through the casino and the house at the back, looking in every nook and canny for Skulduggery Pleasant.

About two hours later they were almost done; just the attack to search. Erskine bit his lip and went to hide in the loo as to not give away his guilty face.

Two soldiers came to the chest where Skulduggery hid, he heard them approach it and held his breath. They rustled through the clothes covering him and they became satisfied that he wasn't there. They closed the lid and walked away but he didn't dare take a breath yet; just in case…

He heard the soldiers getting ready to leave. Then he had a strange sensation in his nose.

He was going to sneeze.

…

Skulduggery sneezed.

It was the loudest damned sneeze he had heard in three hundred years.

The soldiers spinned around…

**What did you think. Sorry if I offended anyone. I will continue it if people want me to. Ship names? Hitlduggery? Skultler? And EPAR is RAPE backwards, coz that's what kinda happened… Please review!**

**Skylair :P**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for all the reviews! They never fail to make me smile! I'm glad you people liked it! I'm sorry it took me so long to update.**

Germans swarmed around the old chest. They tore the lid off and threw the sheets onto the dust coated floor. Skulduggery leaped up, a stick in his hands. "Bugger off!" The Germans grabbed his by the arms and shouted out loud. Skulduggery panicked. He head-butted the soldier closest to him and whacked another with his stick.

Heavy footsteps came up the stairs. Skulduggery lurched away from the crowd of people surrounding him. His hands found a skylight. He fumbled desperately with the latch. It came free with a click.

He shoved the small window open with his bare shoulder. He grabbed the sill and hoisted himself up. Skulduggery dragged his body out of the reach of the Germans and out onto the roof of the old casino. He stood up and ran, his footsteps heavy and loud. Slates came loose under his bare feet and tumbled to the ground far below.

His heart pounded in his chest, so hard he thought it might explode. His foot slipped and he was falling. Skulduggery tried to find something to grip but his hands found nothing but smooth slate. His back hit an overly-large chimney pot and he wrapped his arms around it hugging it tightly.

Skulduggery stood on shaky legs. Planes were flying towards him, searching for him. Spotlights mounted on vehicles were trained on the roofs of buildings. Foot soldiers were storming houses and raiding them, searching for himself.

Skulduggery gripped the chimney firmly. He slid his legs over the brim of it and held onto the top. He looked down. It was dark. No fire was alight. He let go and let himself drop. The bricks scratched his back, and taking off skin. It stung but Skulduggery didn't mind it.

He landed in a pile of ashes and half burnt logs. He stood in a fireplace in a large, poshly decorated room. A huge, mahogany dining table stood proudly in the centre, a lay tablecloth was placed over the wood. A family sat at the table, eating their dinner. They were staring at him. Skulduggery stared back. A woman covered her child's eyes with her hands.

Somewhere else in the house, German soldiers could be heard banging on the doors. Shouting for the naked man. The woman offered him clothes from the basket and Skulduggery took them gladly, shoving them on as quickly as possible. The man went to answer the door to the soldiers and Skulduggery took his place at the dinner table.

The man stood aside as the Germans raided the house, they took no notice of Skulduggery. He sat with his head down and eat politely. Once satisfied, the soldiers went away again. Skulduggery stopped eating the man's dinner and looked at the family. "I'm so sorry." They stared. "I didn't mean to intrude, I just wanted to keep my pride and ego intact." The family stared. "It was nice meeting you." They stared. "You really are an amazing cook." They still stared. "Well, I must be on my way now." Still they stared.

**Thoughts? Opinions? Please review! I'll give you cookies!**

**Skylair xox**


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